In small parts of the world I have experienced so much and still so little. Many ways of living, suffering, and surviving have stood before my eyes. Hesitation weighs heavy as I consider that I may, inspite of having seen so little, have seen more and had more to absorb about life than the average soul. This saddens me, deeply.
Deeped is my knowledge in the pain of (wo)man. Traveling in a near gypsy-like manner exposed my mind to many worlds. Historically, the domiciles which I have resided in range from the filthy basement of a million dollar three bedroom house with a yard in one of the richest areas of the country, to leaves on the ground in the woods and many things inbetween. This granted opportunity and gave way to the experiences of (not in chronological order) icicles on the inside of windows,
sleeping on concrete,
going years without an actual bed,
staring at the ground itself through holes in the floor around toilet,
collapsed ceilings,
massive mold,
bugs on my face and crawling around my body and rustling the leaves near my head keeping me awake,
waking up to being rained on,
running in the woods to get out of predator territory and away from a natural predator as a child trying to find a safe place to sleep,
sleeping on a moldy and all bodily-fluids covered mattress,
how cold it can surprisingly get sleeping in a car,
the headaches from sleeping under a bridge,
staring through a tiny scratch in a narrow frosted window to see the sky and grass,
getting dizzy on the sidewalk by passing cars by being locked up for so long,
being timed warped into new technology to get caught up on upon being released,
my dad walking out the door and never coming back leaving me alone in a house in the woods far away from any civilization,
various drugs and an OD from existentially tripping balls off of cough medicine.. everything is numbers, it all has a code, everything is meticoulsy designed beyond our comprehension and there lives a color we have never seen before and won’t until we die,
bondage,
various forms of rape and sexual harrasement,
my own depths of depravity in attempts to escape reality,
severe illnessess,
starvation,
training for the marines,
being a fetish model both runway and still photography,
Domming and being mentored to Dom other broken souls,
waitressing,
being a secretary,
being a stock girl and truck pusher,
working construction,
eating and breathing fire,
being a car saleswoman for a day,
learning the seven deadly virtues of broadswording,
parties from rich to poor,
the ‘backstage’ of performance venues,
dumpster diving,
foraging,
an underground secret society that I left,
horrific mistreatment of animals in every setting,
the life completely fade from human eyes,
performing life saving CPR,
seeing too many dead bodies some of which were dismembered,
throwing somebody through a first-floor window,
attempting and failing to kill my mother as a child for the revenge of so much abuse and neglect while the 911 operator hung up on her thinking it was a prank… she deserved some of my wrath but, certainly not to be hung up on and ignored by an emergency help line while I had my hands around her throat laughing maniacally at her helplessness for what she did, allowed to happen and lied about to CPS,
watching my dog get hit by a car and holding her as she died wagging her tail so happy to see me,
my mother not allowing me to attend my grandfather’s funeral because it would be ‘disrespectful’… I love him and he loved me,
my father having sex with my ‘friends’ and giving a pregnant woman and my underage friends fentanyl,
poor schools,
raising abused and neglected children who weren’t my own,
losing the flesh and blood inside of me,
being medically abused and neglected,
discovering long lost family and being rejected after growing up with no relatives except for grandpa who died when I was young,
becoming disabled,
evictions,
… this really doesn’t cover much at all.
For all that I have experienced, I have witnessed too many of the same experiences and more in the lives of others.
Life is chaos.
For all the bad I see, the diamonds in the rough of humanity glow vibrantly for me.
We are insane creatures with the power to maintain sanity if we so choose and help each other to do so. For the most part, we don’t.
All walks of life suffer and all walks of life ignore and marginalize the suffering of others, even if it is identical to their own in many ways and even caused by the same reasons.
The world has been so cruel to us that we are afraid to truly reach out for help, accept help, and give help. In many ways, many are blind to what help actually is.
Help looks like the light in a child’s eyes when you actually see them and guide them with love and wisdom when they have otherwise been abandoned.
Help looks like the light in the man’s eyes as he thanks your saving his life from a hospital bed even though he later kills himself.
Help looks like fighting fear and putting your hands and lips on a blue-grey naked body to try and bring a life back, against the odds while not admitting defeat.
Help looks like giving away your first Christmas tree with someone special to a family in need so some kids can have something for Christmas instead.
Help looks like those kids whose eyes light up and jaws drop when getting your Christmas tree to keep, insisting that you stay and decorate it with them.
Help looks like offering a hand to someone eyeing something out of their reach at the store.
Help looks like checking in on the old lady next door and making sure she is eating by bringing some food she enjoys when you visit.
Help looks like smiling warmly and sincerely at someone who is not smiling.
Help looks like speaking up when someone is being hurt.
Help looks like defending the defenseless.
Help looks like encouraging and challenging one another to be better than we are while accepting who we are without judgemental bias.
Real help looks like love.
It helps to have hope.
If we fill the world with real help, we fill the world with love.
Never stop loving.
Never stop helping.
Never stop trying to be helped if you need it. The problem isn’t that you need help or how much help you need but, that there is not enough or adequate help in the world so the odds are against getting real help quickly. Keep fighting the long tough and rough battle, my warrior friend. A warrior you truly are. You will get there. The world will get there.
Don’t lose hope.
It helps.
Niniel's Diary 